Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is typically a lifelong condition characterised by extreme self-love, extreme self centeredness. People with this disorder constantly seek attention and praise and tend to exaggerate their achievements, sometimes resorting to lies. People with narcissistic personality disorder typically make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long lasting relationships as they are generally disinterested in the feelings of others. Narcissists use passive-aggressive behaviour to control, criticise and dominate their victims.
The self centred characteristics may compensate for an underlying sense of inferiority or inadequacy as people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to envy or express anger towards those who receive more attention, praise or acknowledgement than themselves.
An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually visible by late teens.
There are vany variations and combinations of behaviours, in fact a kaleidoscope of many blends of behaviour attributed to narcissistic behaviour.
Narcissists do not have to always be that exhibitionist, arrogant, show-off, ego centric person. A covert narcissist, for example, can present well, show kindness and care, but to their close friends and family are controlling, exert passive-aggressive behaviour, continually criticising and gaslighting to cut the other person's self worth and self esteem down. Their behaviour is just as toxic and destructive as any other narcissist.
Five or more of the following criteria must be met: (Taken from: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited", fourth, revised, printing (2003) by Sam Vaknin )
1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion. Superficial charm. Promiscuous sexual behaviour resulting in short term marriages.
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)
5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends. Can strategically marry to improve status and position, but it usually does not last.
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others
8. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her.
9. Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted.
Plus the following:
10. Pathological liar.
11. Fails to accept responsibility for his/her actions. It is always the other person's fault (blame shifting). Lacks remorse or guilt.
12. Control freak, manipulative, Always scheming.
Causes (etiology)
The etiology of this disorder is unknown, according to Groopman and Cooper. However, they list the following factors identified by various researchers as possible factors.
* An oversensitive temperament at birth
* Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents
* Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem
* Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback
* Unpredictable or unreliable care-giving from parents
* Severe emotional abuse in childhood
* Experienced long term trauma during childhood, either direct or indirect trauma causing lack of emotional development
* Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or talents by adults
* Excessive praise for good behaviours or excessive criticism for poor behaviours in childhood
Some narcissistic traits are common and are part of a normal developmental phase. When these traits are compounded by a failure of the interpersonal environment and continue into adulthood they may intensify to the point where NPD is diagnosed. Some psychotherapists believe that the etiology of the disorder is, in Freudian terms the result of fixation, to early childhood development. If a child does not receive sufficient recognition for their talents during about ages 3–7 they will never mature and continue to be in the narcissistic early development stage. This is why it is so important to teach children empathy and understanding of others needs and feelings from toddler and pre-school ages so they can function in a co-operative, sharing and group environment in harmony with other children and later as adults.
Pathological narcissism can develop from impairment in the quality of the person's relationship with their primary caregivers, usually their parents, in that the parents were unable to form a healthy, empathic attachment to them. This results in the child conceiving of themselves as unimportant and unconnected to others. The child typically comes to believe they have some personality defect that makes them unvalued and unwanted.
If raised by a narcissistic parent(s), then you've been taught that the narcissist is always right and you're the one who's wrong. A lifetime of such mistreatment typically instils lack of confidence in your own judgment, along with habitual shame at never getting it right or being good enough to deserve the air that you breathe. The children of narcissists may not have realized that the quirks and oddities of their impossible-to-please parent(s) are not in any way unique or special but are in fact the symptoms of a personality disorder. They may continue the personality disorder of their parent(s).
Clinical Views
In order to protect themselves against the intolerably painful rejection and isolation that (they imagine) would follow if others recognized their supposedly defective nature, such people make strong attempts to control others’ view of them and behaviour towards them. This is the concept of narcissists creating a "mask" of what they would like to be and how they would like other people to see them, for example, as successful, leaders, intelligent and carismatic people.
People who are pathologically narcissistic, can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others' needs and of the effects of their behaviour on others. They insist others must see them as they wish to be seen (their "mask").
Narcissists commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined. This outburst is known as a narcissistic rage.
It is commonly thought that narcissists and psychopaths have either low empathy or no empathy at all. Another view is that they do have some empathy, but selectively choose not to use it, consciously or unconsciously withholding an empathic response to control a partner, or they may exploit their understanding of another’s emotional state to manipulate them or to gain power. They know how to evoke insecurity in their partners and provoke attachment anxiety.
Though individuals with NPD are often ambitious and capable, their inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreements or criticism, along with lack of empathy, make it difficult for narcissists to work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term relationships either personal or in the workplace. Their struggle for superiority in the workplace will involve over-exaggeration of their achievements and belittling of fellow workers in an attempt to reduce their worth. They are experts at intimidation and manipulation of others to break them down.
Summary of Narcissistic Personality Disorders
Excuse making
Minimising
Blaming
Intentionally being vague
Using anger and threats
Super-optimism
Using power plays
Playing the victim
Making fools of others
Control freak
Love for drama and excitement
Assuming what others think and feel
Not listening to others and being closed-minded
Thinking “I’m unique”
In anger, they:
Make absurd accusations
Distort facts
Voice allegations and suspicions
Narcissists react angrily to criticism and when rejected, may become hostile.
Bullying
The serial bully displays behaviour congruent with many of the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity and self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Full of self importance, power and authority, impose upon others their authority. It is either part of the narcissist’s “control freak” mentality or they may become physical after verbal bullying is ineffective.
Boasting and Superiority
Often the narcissist will fraudulently claim to have qualifications or experience or affiliations or associations which they don't have or aren't entitled to. Belief in superiority, inflating their self-esteem to match that of senior or important people with whom they associate or identify, insisting on having the "top" professionals or being affiliated with the "best" institutions, but criticising the same people who disappoint them are also common features of narcissistic personality disorder.
People with narcissistic personality disorder over-estimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious, whilst underestimating, devaluing and belittling the achievements and accomplishments of others.
They take advantage of others to meet their own goals and have a thoroughly overblown sense of their own importance. They see themselves as the centre of all social interactions--and when others do not treat them as such, they feel very threatened and can be extremely hostile and aggressive.
Jealousy (Narcissistic Jealousy)
The wrath of the narcissist has no limit when another is praised. Their superiority is challenged and the anger of the narcissist will be relentless against those who praised others and the one who was praised.
Anyone who is better than them in any way, the NPD will do their best to put them down and degrade them.
Covert Narcissist
When the narcissist strikes, watch out. It will come with a vengeance and methods/techniques which will take a person by surprise. He/she does not care how he/she does it, but the narcissist will always play to win and repay and "loses" they have made. A narcissistic revenge is usually triggered by criticism or revealing the narcissists true self. Any humiliation of the narcissist or being better than the narcissist is another trigger.
Predators
1. Inabiltiy to have a mature discussion. An NPD can tell people what to do, will dominate, correct, criticise and condemn the victim, but cannot have a two-way discussion. Their lack of empathy, lack of responsibility emotional dysregulation, no object consistency, lies, blame shifting, projections, rage, repressed anger, distorted reality and fragmented memory make it difficult to have a conversation with an NPD. Basically, you are having a conversation with a child.
2. Refusal to go for counselling. It’s because the NPD is right and the victim is the one to blame. The only reason, in their mind, to go for counselling is to have the victim pulled into line and told they have serious problems. They believe the victim is the one who needs counselling to change their behaviour.
3. Infantilization and Control. As the NPD's children grow up and become more independent, and having opinions of their own, the NPD will feel they are losing control. They will turn to criticism, correction and lecturing to regain control. The NPD will insist on giving advice and expect their advice to be taken, and if not, will increase nagging and lecturing. The children then start distancing themselves as they do not want to be disciplined, nagged, told off and criticised. Love is only conditional. The children then turn to the other parent for support and maintain a connection. This in turn causes jealousy from the NPD parent who goes to extremes to degrade their partner to try to regain control of the children.